the first 4 weeks

Hmm. Where to begin? Well, I know the pic above isnt very clear, but its hard to stay in focus when you are laughing. Sam seems to think his oxygen tubes work better if in his mouth. He looks like a little vampire. Think I will be taking him off the O2 tomorrow...

So... wow. What a month. What a way to start out. But I guess in a way we should have expected it. It was hell getting this baby in the first place. Hell getting him out into the world.. so why not continue?..lol! His getting sick was absolutely terrifying. I think because of how lucky we feel to finally have another child, and all that we went through to get him, I am a little more than ultra senstive and emotional about what happens to him. I just am so happy he is recovering so quickly. It seems silly that, even though his illness took me deeper into my PPD, his getting over it has helped me get over my issues as well. I am feeling so much better about being a mommy these days.... well, mostly.

happy to be home

Because enough hasnt been going on, life thought it would throw one more rock into the pile of crap we have been dealing with. We had to put our wonderful loving Bean Beaners (aka Mira) down on Thursday. Well, not that it was a surprise. Beaner had been sick for quite some time now. We had a few days where we had thought it was ' the day'. Her crappy disease was such a mystery, and I kept holding on to the idea that it was just gonna go away....... like it was supposed to. Well, it just got to the point where there was no more justifying her misery. Damn it, though. She was still bright eyed and bushy tailed , well, bushy knob-tailed, the day we did it. She would never allow me to know how miserable she really was, ya know. But it was apparent. How could it not have been ( I wont go into details). Hardest decision I have had to make in a very very long time. It still isnt sitting right, though I know deep down she feels better. I just cant accept it yet. I still see her in the house. I still turn the water on for her...

Beaner - Bag -o -Wiggle - Waggins -- 2001 - 2009

Things can only get better from here on out.

RSV sucks!

We are on day 6 of being in the hospital with Sammy. He has RSV, which stands for Respiratory Syncytial Virus... which is a pretty nasty virus to get if you are a baby. It inflames the bronchi and causes large amounts of thick secretions in the chest and nasal cavities. He has been here receiving supportive care (IV fluids, oxygen, suction)... something I need desperately. This has been one of the most heartbreaking and stressful experiences of my life. It just doesn’t seem at all fair for such a tiny little guy to go though something like this. Thank god we aren’t supposed to remember any of the stuff that happens to us at such a young age... but mommies do!!

pretending he is somewhere else

It seems like just a few weeks ago when we were in the hospital with Elliott. Starting to hate the familiarity of this place... though I still can't accept being here. One would think you would get used to it after being here so much. It's hard seeing and hearing all these sick kids. I was so devastated when I knew Sam was to be hospitalized. It was scary thinking how intense this illness can get, and how bad it did get the other night. Horrible having my childs doctor wake us up at 4 in the morning, and looking up to see a team of people surrounding Sammys crib, finding out that he is not doing well, and that he might need to go to the ICU for advanced help because he isn't moving air, and is very dehydrated because he quit eating, and extremely lethargic. What a horribly helpless feeling.

But, it seems we are over the worst, and he is getting better, slowly, and hopefully surely. I am having my doubts tonight. He is a bit restless, and not eating as well as he was this morning. The docs say is doing 100% better, which I find to be a very silly thing to say. If he was, we would be home by now…. But, he is almost completely off oxygen, and they have stopped his fluids since he is eating again. I wonder if he might need them again though. He sounds really good, but is still requiring a bit of suction throughout the day, especially before feedings. In older babies they might allow him to go home on oxygen or go home and make visits back a few times a day for suction, but they can’t risk it with how young he is, so more than likely we will be here another day or two. Really REALLY discouraging,

This has been tough, being away from Elliott so much. I don’t know what I would do without my wonderful mother in law. (Mel, I am not sure how to repay you.. but I know Elliott is such a joy, that being with him is almost payment enough.. hahaha!! ).

~~~

My darling Sam is sleeping peacefully right now. I hope to be soon, though he does need to eat within the next while, so I think I will read, try to keep a positive outlook, and maybe grab a midnight snack in a couple hours.. if I am still up, which I hope I am not, but I know me….

can we go home now?

more pics of Sam

aaaaaah. such a sweet boy. I have yet to get Elliott to sit with him for a pic, but, eventually...

so far....

.. it's been a bit of a rough ride. I really don't remember it being this tough the first time around. Then again, we didn't have a 4 year old to contend with either, on top of a new baby. Sammy has been pretty congested, so of course I stay up most nights listening to him and getting up to check him every 10 minutes to make sure he is still breathing......... he is getting better though, and my paranoia is starting to drop off... a little. I have been dealing with some post partum blues. More like anxiety, with a bit of crazy crying spells over the silliest things, and sometimes not so silly. The love you can feel for your children is indescribably painful sometimes, if that makes sense. It is the most amazing thing and terrible thing you can feel all at once. So many fears come along with being a mother, but so does many smiles and joyful moments.

I was gonna post a bunch of pics but this site is being a jerk face.. maybe later.

cancel Christmas???!!!

That was an almost sad reality in our house this year. Our sweet angel is starting to grow his devil horns. Its getting more challenging every day, but.. like they say, noone said this would be easy. Honestly, I have to say we are blessed, because he really is a great kid over all, he just has his days... one of the worst being X-mas eve day. Holy lord... we were pretty convinced that no Santa in the world was going to be bringing presents to kid who could act so terrible. all. day. long.

BUT... the end of the day came new attitudes, and after a heart felt letter written by Elliott to Santa, Santa arrived with some special things for that usually cheery, smiley little dude of ours.

Papa made it out a few weeks before Christmas, whoch was just wonderful I think it had been a year since he had been abl e to make it out, and I knw we were all missing each other immensly. It was so good to catch up, and Elliott and Papa got along like they had been hanging out together all year without a day missed.

Mason, Elliott and Charlie

----some pics from Christmas morning----

- ELLIOTTS 4th BIRTHDAY! -

We celebrated Elliotts b-day on the 31st. It was a small gathering and pretty low key. He had fun though, and all he was really interested in was his Thomas the Train cake. He had been talking about it almost all year....

New big bed for a big boy!

He was pretty excited about the Lincoln logs

It was a busy holiday adventure, and I have to say, I am glad the chaos is over, but, occasionally when I look outside at the falling snow, I kinda wish it was Chrsitmas day again.. just for a few more hours....

Babies, birthdays, christmas days.. oh my!

Yeah, we haven't been busy....

BABY SAMUEL IS HERE!!!!!

He arrived on January 2nd at 2:57 a.m. Mommy went into labor at around 12:30 that night (or I guess that morning), so as you can imagine labor was fast, hard and unimaginably painful. But... we all survived, and I am very proud to have had my natural VBAC as I had wanted and prepared for. We are home and doing well.

Time is short, and we are tired people right now, so I won't be writing too much more about the experience until later, along with more pictures of this sweet new guy, and also pics of Elliotts 4th birthday (I know, I still can't believe it either), and Christmas morning.

Loves and well wishes.